Saturday, January 7, 2017

CIA Digs up Dirt on President Trump, forms New Planet

Dateline: WASHINGTON, DC—In response to President-elect Donald Trump’s denigrating the American intelligence community, the CIA dug up a planet of dirt on Trump, altering the Earth’s gravitational field.

The American intelligence community was united in its assessment that Russia hacked into the Democratic National Committee’s emails to attempt to give Donald Trump an advantage in his campaign against Democratic rival Hillary Clinton.

But Donald Trump, apparently unaware of the CIA’s track record, preferred to go to war with his own intelligence services than admit his election was potentially tainted by that foreign interference.

Experts have formulated numerous hypotheses to explain Trump’s bizarre, arguably treacherous relationship with Russia. “Most people would be terrified to insult the CIA,” said psychologist Anne Funnyface. “But if someone were sufficiently narcissistic, the desire to be widely admired could theoretically outweigh that natural fear. Alternatively, Trump could be wholly ignorant of the Star Wars Empire-like nature of the war machine he’s crossed. That ignorance might be due to his infamously low attention span.”

Whatever the cause, Donald Trump praised Wikileaks founder Julian Assange’s criticisms of the CIA’s assessment of the DNC hacks, called the American intelligence services politicized, and has forgone receiving the traditional Daily Brief from the Director of National Intelligence.

In retaliation, the CIA tasked a fraction of its sinister forces to undermine Trump’s presidency the way the United States has sabotaged half the planet’s governments over the last seven decades. What the CIA didn’t count on was the colossal extent of embarrassing materials available on Trump’s upbringing, finances, business practices, and marriages. 

The dirt the agents discovered eventually amounted to a planet-sized edifice the size of Mercury.

Said one CIA operative, “We had to work with geologists and then with NASA to handle the mountains upon mountains of dirt that we dug up on that guy. At first we just piled up the black-ops dossiers to blackmail the traitor Trump. But then the dossiers added up to mountains that altered the skyline along the eastern coast. When planes began crashing into the mountains, we turned to NASA to transfer the embarrassing secrets into the stratosphere whereupon they began to orbit the Earth, forming a new moon. We added tidbits to that moon until it became a planet. The juicy secrets just kept coming, so can you blame us?”  

Before the intelligence agencies could knock on President Trump’s door, informing him that they have a hundred trillion ways to blackmail him should he persist in talking nonsense, the weight of Trump’s sins bore down upon the Earth, threatening us all with gravitational waves that pulled millions of buildings, cars, animals, and people into outer space, creating a ring around what became known as Planet Trump.

Two years passed until President Trump chanced to look up and ask whether anyone else noticed there’s a new planet taking up half the sky. But Trump refused to concede that this other world is composed entirely of dirty secrets that could ruin his presidency a trillion times over.

“Why would the CIA want to go to war with me?” he asked at a news conference. “What have I ever done to them and when has the CIA ever taken such petty or aggressive military action against a democratically-elected leader?”

Upon hearing that, the journalists’ heads exploded and Trump cried foul when some of the brain matter stained his Brioni suit. 


  1. JFK was quite critical of the CIA.

  2. Why the left suddenly hates Russia.

  3. Too bad the US didn't end up with a leader like Trudeau.

    1. I agree with some of these points against Trudeau, but I don't entirely trust the defense of white European pride and heritage. Yes, the European pioneers showed great courage and fortitude in settling North America, but they also exterminated the native populations. Many of the colonists were fur traders or Catholic missionaries. I don't think these drivers of European expansion are particularly admirable. Beavers would have been hunted to extinction were it not for changing fashion in Europe (silk hats replaced beaver ones).

      I'd agree for Nietzschean reasons that Trudeau's neoliberalism isn't as inspiring as a more authentic heritage, and that ideally each society should be founded on myths and history of which the population can be proud. But I just don't see the European colonization of North America (slavery, the Beaver Wars, the genocides, etc) as being worthy of much pride on the part of the descendants. More specifically, I don't trust a European descendant who speaks of being proud of that history unless she confronts its dark side rather than glossing over it.

    2. An interesting set of observations.

      What would you consider to be valid demonstration of confronting the dark side of colonization in North America?

    3. The history of Europe's colonizing of North America is ethically mixed, to say the least, so the descendants' attitude towards that history should likewise be mixed. That means we shouldn't be especially proud about it. If anything, our pride should be canceled out by our shame, leaving ambivalence or apathy. That stands in contrast to nationalist fervor, such as the sort you find on that website.

      Even better, though, the shame might outweigh the pride, but this doesn't mean the descendants should wallow in guilt. This is because the history of every society is atrocious, so it's not as if non-native Americans and Canadians need to feel as though our social origins are morally worse than those of, say, African or East Asian societies. There have been atrocities and abominations committed in the past of every part of the world.

      So the best attitude would be a kind of dark cosmopolitanism. We should feel at one with the rest of our species in our appalling histories. Instead of pretending one society is superior to every other, we should recognize our smallness and fallibility as clever mammals. I'm not saying all cultures are entirely equal. Clearly, some societies excel in ways that others don't. But I see no grounds for condemning any culture as uniquely abhorrent. Even if Europe excels in science and technology, for example, we don't know the long-term consequences of that "progress." Our very strengths might prove globally disastrous. So humility coupled with a broad perspective on what unites all societies seems called for.

    4. Hmm. I actually find that quite enlightening. Not to mention I am struck by the concept of "dark cosmopolitanism", both the term and the idea behind it.

      Also agree on your tentative assessment of European progress, at least until the jury comes in at some point later on.

      Without necessarily requiring the level of jingoism I saw in that post on Trudeau, though, I'll probably hew closer to that line than your take on it. In a history of the world that replete with criminality and tragedy, I'm willing to acknowledge them and still take pride in the achievements of my predecessors. Including conquests. Actually, I may have grown up in an ethically middle-ground sort of era. The late 20th century when it was right and proper to deplore such things as mass murder for its own sake and to, seriously, regret all sorts of other forms of exploitation, but still to take collective pride in empire-building and military conquest. I admit I was probably a bit retro even at that, but such an era existed just the same.

      I gather that now all such things are seen as of a piece, morally speaking. I'm not quite there.

      I have been in comment arguments on Unz and elsewhere in which I have taken the part of defender of the huge accomplishments of non-Western civilizations against some who prefer to think there were none, so I appreciate the exasperation that can generate. I prefer to respect and absorb all of those and take pride in mine because it is mine, even if it took on a lot of borrowings.

      I works for me, at any rate.

      Anyway, I'm new to your blog and am finding it quite interesting. IIRC, I followed a link from Forward Base B [colony of commodus] to get here. I only discovered that guy late last year.

    5. I recently, for the first time in years, saw "Northwest Passage" with Spencer Tracy. An odd film, full of colour at times and really pushing the positive line about American colonial westward expansion, although mostly in the final sequences.

      During the bulk of the movie, a ranger expedition against the French and Abenaki, it's surprisingly dark about their situation and actions. Certainly for a 40s film. It doesn't use the modern technique of applying pathetic fallacy [having constant rain, storms, and generally grim weather to make the point] so it's often oddly sunny and clear in those woods. But rather a dark tale.

      Not exactly the Revenant, but still.

    6. I agree there's a knee-jerk, politically correct condemnation of all forms of imperialism. I don't mean to take that "postmodern" line. I recently read Harari's books, Sapiens and Homo Deus, which have a more balanced view of empires. Harari points out that empires are highly complex, meaning that they necessarily do both good and evil. They're hyperobjects in Timothy Morton's sense.

      Thanks for reading. You might want to check out the Map of the Rants, which has a categorized list of all the links to my main articles.

  4. Person - Are you a Republican or a Democrat?
    Me - I hate humans and worship death
    Person - Slowly backs away