God condemns Conservative Bullies for Opining on Comedy

Dateline: D.C.—Conservatives condemned Michelle Wolf’s comedic speech at the 2018 White House Press correspondents’ dinner, until God reminded them they have no sense of humour because they’re bullies.

“The hand of God descended from the sky,” said one observer. “The arm was clad in a glowing white robe, and the hand carved the Ten Commandments into the side of a mountain near Boulder, Colorado. But then the hand added an eleventh commandment. Can you believe it? An eleventh, after all this time.”

The eleventh commandment reads, “Conservatives shalt not opine on comedic matters, for their heartless soul hath no sense of humour.”

At first Americans were mystified, but comedians were quick to explain God’s message. “Comedy is for underdogs,” said comedian Tobias Laffaminute. “It’s always been that way. That’s why Jews are known for their comedy, because history has given them the perspective of underdogs and outsiders.”

By contrast, bullies aren’t funny, because they stand for the oppressive status quo that comedians are supposed to mock as an underhanded way of getting even on behalf of the downtrodden.

“It’s a little like Nietzsche’s point about slave morality,” said historian of comedy, Camilla Vanderwhatsit, “except that instead of vindicating their weakness with moral fictions, the funny representatives of losers fight back by getting the dominators to laugh at themselves.”

According to culture critic, Emilio Highfalutin, the new divine revelation explains why Ann Coulter’s comedy faces not one but two nearly insurmountable hurdles: she’s a woman and she’s a conservative bully.

“She tries to be funny,” said Mr. Highfalutin, “but while it’s possible for women to have a sense of humour, they have a much harder time of it because it isn’t as easy for them to fail in life as it is for men to do so. Only 30 percent or less of American homeless are women, for example. So women tend not to identify with losers and underdogs.”

“But more importantly, Coulter’s persona is that of a sadistic tyrant. And when the strong beat up the weak, it’s just not remotely funny. That’s why Germans are infamous for their solemnity, because they carry the baggage of Nazi tyranny, and because their hard work and efficiency make them so powerful that they have a hard time sympathizing with losers.”

The key is humility, added Mr. Highfalutin. “A comedian should be humble, not self-righteous, unless the comedian’s playing an ironic character, like Andrew Dice Clay or perhaps President Trump.”

Michelle Wolf’s speech was mostly funny and powerfully satirical, according to comedy insiders, because Wolf’s frizzy hair and off-putting voice lend her the loser’s viewpoint. Similarly, Jon Stewart has at least two strengths of the loser: Judaism and shortness. Bill Maher is half Jewish. Celebrated African-American comedians such as Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, and numerous others have as much right to the underdog viewpoint as Jews, because of the legacy of slavery.

After the correspondents’ dinner, CNN’s Jake Tapper noted that token African-American conservative pundit Paris Dennard didn’t crack a smile the entire time Michelle Wolf spoke. Mr. Dennard responded by calling her speech offensive and unfunny.

But after God pointed out that asking a conservative to assess something’s comedic merit is like asking Donald Trump for advice on how to tell the truth, Mr. Tapper apologized for having wasted the viewer’s time by allowing “a heartless and clueless conservative to pretend to know the first thing about comedy.” Whether the conservative defers to the power of the state, added Mr. Tapper, or to the amoral market logic that creates plutocrats, the conservative becomes authoritarian.

For his part, Rabbi Mazel Tov interpreted the eleventh commandment as “the Lord’s way of apologizing for his evident lack of humour.” Life generally is absurd enough, he said, but “the dreariness of most of the Bible indicates that God may not get the joke.”