Dateline: NEW YORK—Tired of being accused of having
stereotypical ideas of women and racial minorities, the gazillionaire Roderick Billington
set about spending his vast fortune to perfect his conceptions.
“I realized the essence of the problem early on,” he said. “I’d
be thinking that the Chinese can’t drive well, that blacks are thuggish, and
that women are sentimental and prone to hysteria. But I’d be told that those
were just outrageous stereotypes. So there was a mismatch between my ideas and
the facts.”
Mr. Billington decided to eliminate that mismatch. “The
first order of business was to eliminate the material difference between my ideas
and the reality of those groups of people. My ideas were made of neurons, but
the billions of women out there, for example, are made out of all sorts of
stuff: bone, muscles, skin cells, not to mention the women’s possessions and
social relationships.”
To correct his conception of women, therefore, he cloned
every woman on Earth. “Storing them all was the really tricky part,” he
confesses. “Our planet is already overcrowded, so I had a duplicate planet
built in orbit and shipped my women out to live on it.”
Now, when Mr. Billington is asked to speak on an issue
related to women, he points to the second batch of women on that second Earth and
says, “That’s what I think of romance novels, soap operas, and romantic
comedies. Fly out to my concept of women if you want to know the details. I’m
no longer arrogant enough to pretend that I can adequately model billions of
people with just some squishy neurons in my puny noggin.”
Having silenced feminists in that fashion, Mr. Billington
proceeded to nip the issue of racism in the bud with another round of cloning
and another manufactured Earth. “I find I can easily now side-step talk of my
alleged discriminatory treatment of dark-skinned people. When asked why I steer
clear of African-American neighbourhoods, I ask them in turn why they’re asking
me, as if my idea of those places were
lodged merely in my skull.
“‘Good luck finding a shortcoming with my thoughts about
dark-skinned folks,’ I tell the thought police. ‘My thoughts of them consist of
exact copies of every dark-skinned person. So if they don’t like how I’m
treating them, they should look at themselves in the mirror, because my way of
thinking is more like them than is their reflection.’”
To forestall any further talk of his political
incorrectness, Mr. Billington proceeded to Phase Two and created a duplicate
universe. “You don’t like how I treat pebbles?” he asks rhetorically.
“Something off about my way of thinking of salami sandwiches? Don’t blame me!
My concept of pebbles is nothing but a second set of pebbles and my notion of
salami smells just as bad as the real deal. So have fun searching for any
discrepancy!”
Some persistent critics point out that Mr. Billington’s
secondary universe is in fact the largest red herring ever thrown down as a
distraction, since he’s not connected to that universe, so nothing that happens
in it is responsible for his behaviour.
Says one such critic, “If that bigoted old rich guy could
watch his clones whenever he wanted, then maybe they’d be relevant. But his
brain would still be working with a simplified representation of women or
Canadians or whomever. He’d be studying the clones only some of the time, from
one angle rather than another, and so on.”
“Besides,” says another critic, “The point isn’t just that
there’s a difference between any concept and what the concept is about. It’s
that in Billington’s case, the difference is negative because he’s a sexist and
racist jerk. He simplifies the facts in a mean-spirited way.”
Others maintain that Mr. Billington has inadvertently shown
the silliness of our preoccupation with those who discriminate based on
negative stereotypes.