Dateline: MOSCOW, Year Three After Trump—Three years into
Trump’s presidency, a “new coalition of the willing,” of over a hundred countries
led by Russia, China, and Europe declared war on Trump’s “rogue regime,” citing
in a public statement: “the lunacy of allowing the American nuclear arsenal to
be controlled by a manifestly insane and senile president, a dysfunctional
Congress, and a delusional or apathetic American public.”
“The situation is just like George W. Bush’s declaration of
war on Saddam’s Iraq,” said Putin at a press conference in Moscow, speaking for
the Coalition. “Except that unlike Saddam, Trump actually has stockpiles of WMDs.
We, too, seek regime change in defense of civilization itself. But this time the
regime that must be eliminated by preventative military action is obviously
Trump’s in the United States.”
When reminded that Trump never gassed his own people,
whereas Saddam gassed the Kurds in 1988, Putin said, “Yes, but remember that
time when Trump ordered that all the bridges in the United States be
firebombed, because Trump had heard a rumour that a guy named Fred Bridgeman in
South Dakota had called him fat? Remember how Trump had targeted bridges solely
because that fellow had the word ‘bridge’ in his last name? And remember how
Trump had neglected to warn the commuters, so that the bridges were destroyed along
with the millions of Americans who were in the process of driving across them?
“Or remember that time when in broad daylight Trump raped a
journalist in the middle of a White House press conference and then bizarrely denied
that he had done so, calling the video evidence provided by the hundreds of
cameras present ‘a big lie cooked up by failing news companies’?
“Or how about that time when Donald Trump ordered a nuclear
strike against South Korea, mixing up the South with the North?
“Yeah, there’s only so much insanity and instability a civilized
world can stand.”
Putin was pressed about why Russia would join the New Coalition
of the Willing when Russia reportedly had personal leverage against Trump. Putin
reminded the questioner that he had played his “Trump card, so to speak,” but
it had backfired.
“You remember when we leaked the golden showers video, so to
speak (again). Trump was caught with Russian prostitutes and we added that
footage to the financial kompromat we
had on him. When we secretly ordered Trump to help Russia take back our territories
in Eastern Europe and he refused, we sent the video to Wikileaks. But after the
world saw Trump with the pissing prostitutes, Trump said it wasn’t him but an
actor with a bad wig.
“And that was that. The media went on to the next Trump scandal,
since there was a new one every five minutes. We never bothered revealing the
financial conflicts of interest Trump has with foreign banks, because most Americans
wouldn’t understand them or care. For the same reason, the U.S. government
doesn’t attempt to prosecute Goldman Sachs or other colossal banks for fraud,
because the complexity of the case would put a jury to sleep.”
Putin was asked whether he thinks the Coalition can possibly
defeat the American military machine. “Of course we can,” said Putin. “For decades,
Americans have fought only fake wars against pipsqueaks like Saddam, terrorists
in caves, or Stalinists in Grenada in 1983. Americans love to consume toys for
their pleasure, not to make war. They’ll quickly surrender and the world will
breathe a sigh of relief to be rid of Trump.”
For his part, a defiant Trump dared the Coalition to invade the
United States. “Let them come!” he said at a Rose Garden press conference,
holding a machine gun, his nose covered in cocaine. “Then they can say hello to
my little friend!” There was tittering in the press pool and Trump said, “No,
not my junk—which I can assure you all is yuge. This machine gun I’m holding—this
is the little friend I meant. And the rest of the world can say hello to it. When
they get here.”