Man Mocked for Alleging his Female Boss Sexually Assaulted him

Dateline: NY CITY—Software engineer Timmy Whatawuss alleged on social media that he was sexually assaulted by his female employer, Olga Pololga, and has been met with laughter from all quarters.

Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of women have accused powerful men in America of sexually harassing or assaulting them. In fact, there is no powerful American male deemed never to have taken advantage of his authority and exploited at least one of his female employees’ dependence, in some perverted manner.

Every executive or celebrity in Hollywood, stand-up comedy, government, Wall Street, and all other sectors in which wealth or power is concentrated in male hands has been accused by one or more female underlings of offering them financial compensation or promising them advancement at work for sexual favours.

These allegations have led to widespread condemnation of so-called Boy’s Club culture. Powerful men have been ostracized, fired, or prosecuted. In many cases, a woman’s mere coming forward with an allegation of a man’s unwanted sexual advances sufficed to damage the man’s reputation, so that the woman felt no further inquiry was needed and no charges needed to be pressed.

This revolution in American sexual relations encouraged Mr. Whatawuss to test the waters with his astonishing claim that a woman could sexually harass a man.

“First, I took my complaints to my boss’s superior, Steve Strittmatter. I told him Olga Pololga sexually assaulted me by stroking my penis in the hallway. He looked at me from across his desk and burst out laughing.

“So I announced on Facebook and Twitter that my female boss molested me by rubbing her boobs in my face and giving me a lap dance even though I told her ‘No.’ The responses were unanimous: laughter all around. I mean that literally I got hundreds of messages saying nothing but ‘Hahahahaha!!’ The messages varied the number of ‘ha’s or exclamation points, but they were certainly united in their mockery of me.

“I took the matter to the police and filed a report, but the whole time the police couldn’t stop laughing. The officer who typed up the file was crying on the keyboard he was laughing so hard.”

But Mr. Whatawuss had proof of his ordeal, since he had recorded some of his employer’s threats and unwanted advances, and he posted them on YouTube.

“Again,” said Mr. Whatawuss, “just laughter. That was the only response. All the comments under the video were variations of ‘Hahahaha!’ or “Hardy har har!” or ‘Heh heh heh.’ Several response videos were posted by other YouTube users, and all of them showed the men or women who posted them laughing hysterically. One female Youtuber fell off her chair, she was laughing so hard. The video shows her struggling to get back up and then promptly falling off her chair again in uproarious laughter.”

For her part, Mrs. Pololga has admitted to molesting Timmy Whatawuss. “Of course I did it,” she told reporters. “Why shouldn’t I admit it? No one can do anything about a woman’s sexual assault of a man, because you can’t do anything else while you’re laughing your ass off hearing or thinking about it.”

Her prediction proved accurate, because while attempting to televise Mrs. Pololga’s confession, reporters erupted with laughter, knocked over their equipment, and broadcast only dead air. 

Feminist ethicists have rarely debated whether it’s possible for a woman to sexually assault a man. They contend that while this sort of assault is logically and perhaps even physically possible, such an offense would be highly unlikely in practice because men tend to have more power than women, and women are more interested in emotional connections than in random, meaningless sexual encounters. 

The only published philosophical article on the subject begins with three pages of dry analysis before cutting away midsentence and proceeding to four pages of continuous “Ahahahahaha!” as though the author could no longer take the issue seriously.

“Even attempting to discuss the matter is nearly infeasible,” said Dr. Nick Flabbergast. “As soon as you picture a powerful woman sexually assaulting her male subordinate, you break into side-splitting laughter. This comical reaction appears to be an evolutionary mechanism urging us not to waste time on silly nonsense.”

To test that hypothesis, Dr. Flabbergast and his team ran an experiment in which powerful, authoritative women were hired to sexually assault young men in a controlled setting, and in each case the men broke down in laughter while the attempted assaults were in progress.

“In one instance,” said Dr. Flabbergast, “one of our female subjects demanded that the young man just stand there and watch while she pulled down her pants and masturbated. The man attempted to comply but began to snicker as soon as her pants were down. When she made small circular motions with her finger under her underpants, he roared with laughter. ‘How does it feel to be degraded, you worm?’ she taunted him. But the young man couldn’t answer because he’d curled up into a ball on the floor where he was rolling back and forth, busting his gut laughing at her.

“The woman was persistent, so she picked him up and demanded he just stand there and take the abuse. He laughed in her face. She sat on him and berated him, threatening to rape him unless he stopped laughing so hard. He pissed his pants while howling with laughter, and had to be carried out and sedated.”

According to Dr. Flabbergast, the mystery isn’t so much whether Olga Pololga will be punished, since “it’s hard to spare a thought about that question. What’s baffling is how Timmy Whatawuss could have endured the abuse without laughing the entire time.”