Promise for Baldness Cure Causes Social Rifts

Dateline: NEW YORK—A team of doctors from the Columbia Medical Center succeeded in generating new human hair growth, which promises a cure for baldness. “We’re within sight of the cure,” said one of the lead scientists. “Of course, you have to be a hawk to see it; certainly, no one within our lifetime or that of our children’s children will see the cure, since the clinical trial period to test the results from every conceivable angle will take approximately five centuries.”

Bald men responded to the news by rioting in droves, breaking into scientific labs and demanding that “the beady-eyed scientists produce the cure immediately already,” because bald men “are sick of being pariahs,” as one of them put it in the midst of a hostage situation. Holding a gun to a medical researcher’s head, which happened also to be bald, the irate bald man exclaimed to no one in particular, “Think of what I could do with a full head of hair! Think of how much time I’ve lost being a bald nobody.” Whereupon the kneeling researcher replied, “I’m bald too, you asshole!”

In fact, the scientific community is divided about whether to go through its usual shenanigans of taking centuries before the scientists fulfill their Hippocratic Oath and disseminate the cure, as opposed to artificially driving up demand, jockeying to improve their careers, and obliging the labyrinthine bureaucracies that oversee the clinical trials. Most scientists aren’t just males; they’re bald and nerdy ones, many of whom join the bald nonscientists, their “bald brothers in arms,” as a balding scientist said, in clamoring for the new treatment.

But the corporate elites that own the drug and treatment companies and that pay the scientists’ salaries are rarely bald. Partly, this is because they can afford the current state-of-the-art treatments for hair loss, but it’s also because they’re gifted with the precious bloodlines that account both for their preternatural health and for their sociopathic drive to succeed regardless of the cost to others.

Don Bangsalot, CEO of Hoarding Enterprises, which is currently beginning clinical trials for the new baldness treatment, confessed in a candid interview with Suckup Magazine that he’s in favour of “the epic waiting time for baldies.” Granted,” he said, “we stand to make billions of dollars with this cure, since the demand is incalculable. But that’s the point: there are hundreds of millions of bald men out there, so do I want that many more competitors for the attention of hot women? No, the plight of bald undesirables benefits me, because those losers are taken out of the running for the superior females. The relatively few men who are born with the more desirable genes or who can afford to keep our bodies in tip-top shape have the field to ourselves and we’d prefer to keep it that way.”

Women, too, are torn about the prospect for a cure for baldness. “I’d love for my balding husband to have his head of hair restored,” said one woman. “I still remember when we were young and I used to run my hand through his wavy locks. But aren’t women supposed to be the phonies when it comes to outward appearances? I mean, we’re the ones who put up a false front with makeup, hair extensions, breast implants, and misleading garments. We’ve been fooling men for hundreds of years, hiding our bodies' imperfections. Even Cleopatra wore makeup! Now bald men are going to try to kid a kidder and be feminized phonies as well? They’re going to buy their hair from squirrelly chemists in lab coats? Sometimes I think feminists have gone too far in fighting for equality between the sexes.”