Monday, August 28, 2017

President Trump Murders Alt Right Conservatives, their Ghosts still Support him

Dateline: TRUMPLAND—After President Trump ordered that all of his alt right supporters be systematically murdered, their ghosts said that they still support the president.

Mr. Trump tweeted he was grateful for their continuing support.

The president had tweeted before the killing spree that the reason for the mass murders was to test his supporters’ loyalty.

“Are the alt right conservatives loyal to Trump?” tweeted the President. “Maybe while they’re alive, but what about when they’re dead? Would they still support me then?”

The president dispatched the army and a team of reporters to summarily execute millions of American citizens and to conduct last-minute interviews with the Trump loyalists.

Before being shot, Trump supporter Sammy Whataninny told the reporter that even though Trump was ordering his death, he didn’t regret voting for him.

“Am I sorry I voted for Trump just because he’s literally killing me? Never! He’s going to build the wall and lock her up and make America great again. Or don’t you think America will be all the greater once Trump’s most die-hard fans are all slaughtered? You see? He’s already setting his plan in motion…Uh, wait a minute! Does that make sense?”

Mr. Whataninny was shot before he could pursue that line of inquiry.

Thanks to the efforts of the Mad Science Institute, which discovered that ghostly human life continues after the physical body’s death, the alt right ghosts were able to register their continuing support for the president.

Sammy Whataninny had apparently overcome his worry, signaling to the ghost-sensing machine that President Trump could still count on his support and that the president was indeed making America great again, by unleashing an army of ghosts who are free to wreak havoc on Democrats from beyond the grave.

Sociologist Laura Flora explained the persistence of the alt right’s approval of President Trump, by positing that Mr. Trump is at the center of a cult of personality.

“We’ve seen this before,” she said. “Think of Jim Jones whose followers drank poisoned Kool-Aid to serve him. Many cult leaders have tapped into people’s primitive fears or other primal motivators, psychologically enslaving their followers.

“Like most animals, we instinctively prefer to live in hierarchical societies, with dominant individuals at the top who command the loyalty of everyone lower down in the pecking order. Charismatic individuals can evidently exploit that animal part of our brain.”

Some have questioned the president’s obsession with loyalty. “Politically, it doesn’t make much sense,” said one leading Democrat. “It turns out the ghosts can’t so easily affect the physical world. All they can do is knock over a paper cup or two. So Trump has just lost his political base. His approval ratings with everyone else in America are abysmal, so who’s going to vote for him now to give him a second term?”

The president issued a signing statement that voting ballots be designed so as not to discriminate against “my dear friends, the ghosts of the alt right.”

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