But Mr. Savage realized he would have to start a third party
to apply his political vision. “It dawned on me that maybe I should take my nature
worship to the limit and forgo all pretenses of rational planning. So I founded
the Wild Animals of America Party.”
From a distance, WAA members look like ordinary nudists
since they go about their daily business stark naked. “Self-reliant animals
don’t need clothing designed and manufactured by some organized group of
know-it-alls,” says Mr. Savage, spewing out the word “organized” as though it
were rancid slime on his tongue. “We could knit our own clothes, but then we’d
be going against what God gave us. We’re proud to compete with our innate abilities,
without arrogantly assuming we can improve on them by outthinking or out-planning
the Lord Almighty.”
On closer inspection, however, the Wild Animals look more
like homeless people or like the ancient Cynics who were compared to wild dogs because
they objected to most conventional desires. Besides clothing, the Wild Animals
renounce grooming and showering.
“Where does shower water come from?” asks Mr. Savage. “From
the government bureaucracy that oversees the water supply. Do you see animals showering
in the wild? No, and that’s because they’re not spoiled like the French, with
their luxury cars and decadent desserts and tap water. God didn’t give us the toilet,
since that ludicrous invention comes from human busybodies who think they can
improve on the world that must already be perfect, since it was created by God.
So you won’t find Wild Animals lounging on a porcelain seat. We accept no
handouts.”
Asked why WAA thinks of purchased products as “handouts,” Mr.
Savage explains how money itself is artificial. “Did you invent bartering, the
monetary system or fiat currency? No, you inherited those systems, so if you
use them you’re not self-reliant. And even if you did personally invent them,
you’d be spitting in God’s eye.
“That’s why we call the Republicans hypocrites, since they
only pretend to let the unruly wilderness grow as it will. Look at all the
fancy math spun by free market economists! All of those axioms and equations
and computer models—they’re just vain attempts to outthink God. The free market
conservatives may be opposed to government regulations, but they should be
against all rational attempts at
so-called progress. Otherwise, they’re as arrogant as communists.”
WAA members creep around Washington on all fours, maintaining
that standing upright was a prehistoric blasphemy against our original design. Although
they tend to stay indoors during winter, some Wild Animals have been known to
venture out into the snow, naked and unhappily furless, whereupon they
typically perish from exposure to the harsh elements.
In his infamous political debate with the Republican Senator
Cheryl Smilesalot, the naked Mr. Savage interrupted his opening remarks to leap
on the senator like a wild chimpanzee, groping her and growling like a beast when
security guards hauled him off.
As he was dragged from the stage, Mr. Savage shouted, “Do
you think I need your laws, you pompous technocrats, you perversions of the
natural order? Do you think I planned
this? That I thought ahead of time that
I’d act on lust? No, I’m a Wild Animal of America. Throw me in prison! See if I
care! I won’t know the difference between a prison cell and a mansion, because
I don’t dare profess to know anything at all, you foolish thinkers and
planners!”
Eventually, WAA realized that language, too, is an inherited
artifice, so the Wild Animals took to grunting and groaning as the circumstances
warranted, avoiding any pretense of civility. Lacking all forethought, then,
including any respect for organized work or for anything that might be called a
distinctive human nature, WAA became ineffectual and politically irrelevant.
From his prison cell, Mr. Savage glowers at Republicans on
TV, perhaps learning too late the advantages of hypocrisy.
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