Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C. Year One After Trump—An anonymous
member of President Trump’s staff fastened a digital sign to Trump’s lapel
whenever Trump has been set to speak to the media, to stop reporters from
having to flail about, guessing whether the president is lying.
“It started because I got annoyed watching the TV news,”
said the staffer. “The anchors and pundits kept asking why Trump was saying
that the sky is green, that two and two are five, or that his inauguration
crowd was the biggest of all time. They just couldn’t figure out what Trump was
up to—as if no politician had ever lied before! Or as if no legit psychopath had
ever held high office!
“I just got sick of watching these fools on TV dancing
around the issue, too timid to reckon with reality, just asking tedious
questions like, ‘Why would the President say this when he must know it’s
demonstrably false?’ or using euphemisms like Hilary Clinton’s gem, ‘Trump
lacks the temperament to be president’—because it’s more polite to speak of ‘temperament’
than about Trump being literally a predator like a shark or the Terminator
killing machine, a bona fide psychotic
narcissist and, of course, a compulsive liar.”
To spare viewers from “having their time wasted by these
clueless or cowardly news folks” and to “hold the baby journalists’ hands and
steer them to the truth about Trump,” the staffer began affixing a
battery-powered sign to Trump’s lapel. The staffer would listen to Trump speak
in an interview, speech, or press conference, and editorialize by remote
control.
For example, when Trump told ABC news that he’ll launch an
investigation into massive voter fraud in the U.S., the sign on Trump’s lapel
lit up with a message that scrolled across the small screen even as Trump
himself was speaking. The message read, “Mother of all whoppers! The psycho
Trump fears that a woman, Hillary C., beat him by three million in the popular
vote—coincidentally the same number he says are voting illegally.”
And in his speech at CIA headquarters, when Trump accused
the media of lying about his inauguration crowd size, the lapel sign read in
blaring red letters, “Yuge lie! Psycho Trump can’t lose in a dick-measuring
contest with a black man like Obama.”
Asked why he or she prefers to be anonymous, when Trump
surely knows who is putting the LED sign on his suit, the staffer said, “Of
course Trump doesn’t know! If he did, I’d be dead. Trump carries a laser
blaster at all times. And if Trump knew, do you really think he’d leave the
sign on and continue to lie like a madman?”
The extent of Trump’s obliviousness has flabbergasted the
rest of the world. “How can Trump still not know about the sign?” asked a
Democratic Congresswoman. “How can no one on his team be telling him that he’s
being clowned over and over again, that everyone on earth now has a running breakdown
of his every boast, evasion, distortion, slander, and confabulation, of every act
of vain posturing or brazen pandering he clumsily undertakes?”
Clarice Foggarty, fellow at the Brookings Institution, theorized
that “No one dares tell Trump about the sign for the same reason no Iraqi told
Saddam Hussein he had no weapons of mass destruction.” In an authoritarian
regime, she said, “the emperor is always wearing clothes even when he’s stark
naked and his genitals are visibly flapping in the breeze. Otherwise, you’ll
find yourself headless.”
As to why President Trump evidently can’t himself see the infamous
sign, one psychotherapist speculated that Trump “effectively lives in the fiction
he constantly spins. Trump can’t see beyond the hyperbole, according to which
he’s a billionaire because he’s the greatest businessman ever, and he’s
president because he’s a Batman-like hero who can do no wrong. Anything that
contradicts that preposterous self-image can’t register in Trump’s conscious
mind. If Trump suddenly could see himself the way practically everyone else sees
him, his head would melt from the epic cognitive dissonance.” 
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