Sunday, January 29, 2017

Coalition of a Hundred Countries goes to War for Regime Change in the United States

Dateline: MOSCOW, Year Three After Trump—Three years into Trump’s presidency, a “new coalition of the willing,” of over a hundred countries led by Russia, China, and Europe declared war on Trump’s “rogue regime,” citing in a public statement: “the lunacy of allowing the American nuclear arsenal to be controlled by a manifestly insane and senile president, a dysfunctional Congress, and a delusional or apathetic American public.”

“The situation is just like George W. Bush’s declaration of war on Saddam’s Iraq,” said Putin at a press conference in Moscow, speaking for the Coalition. “Except that unlike Saddam, Trump actually has stockpiles of WMDs. We, too, seek regime change in defense of civilization itself. But this time the regime that must be eliminated by preventative military action is obviously Trump’s in the United States.”

When reminded that Trump never gassed his own people, whereas Saddam gassed the Kurds in 1988, Putin said, “Yes, but remember that time when Trump ordered that all the bridges in the United States be firebombed, because Trump had heard a rumour that a guy named Fred Bridgeman in South Dakota had called him fat? Remember how Trump had targeted bridges solely because that fellow had the word ‘bridge’ in his last name? And remember how Trump had neglected to warn the commuters, so that the bridges were destroyed along with the millions of Americans who were in the process of driving across them?

“Or remember that time when in broad daylight Trump raped a journalist in the middle of a White House press conference and then bizarrely denied that he had done so, calling the video evidence provided by the hundreds of cameras present ‘a big lie cooked up by failing news companies’?

“Or how about that time when Donald Trump ordered a nuclear strike against South Korea, mixing up the South with the North?

“Yeah, there’s only so much insanity and instability a civilized world can stand.”

Putin was pressed about why Russia would join the New Coalition of the Willing when Russia reportedly had personal leverage against Trump. Putin reminded the questioner that he had played his “Trump card, so to speak,” but it had backfired.

“You remember when we leaked the golden showers video, so to speak (again). Trump was caught with Russian prostitutes and we added that footage to the financial kompromat we had on him. When we secretly ordered Trump to help Russia take back our territories in Eastern Europe and he refused, we sent the video to Wikileaks. But after the world saw Trump with the pissing prostitutes, Trump said it wasn’t him but an actor with a bad wig.

“And that was that. The media went on to the next Trump scandal, since there was a new one every five minutes. We never bothered revealing the financial conflicts of interest Trump has with foreign banks, because most Americans wouldn’t understand them or care. For the same reason, the U.S. government doesn’t attempt to prosecute Goldman Sachs or other colossal banks for fraud, because the complexity of the case would put a jury to sleep.”

Putin was asked whether he thinks the Coalition can possibly defeat the American military machine. “Of course we can,” said Putin. “For decades, Americans have fought only fake wars against pipsqueaks like Saddam, terrorists in caves, or Stalinists in Grenada in 1983. Americans love to consume toys for their pleasure, not to make war. They’ll quickly surrender and the world will breathe a sigh of relief to be rid of Trump.”

For his part, a defiant Trump dared the Coalition to invade the United States. “Let them come!” he said at a Rose Garden press conference, holding a machine gun, his nose covered in cocaine. “Then they can say hello to my little friend!” There was tittering in the press pool and Trump said, “No, not my junk—which I can assure you all is yuge. This machine gun I’m holding—this is the little friend I meant. And the rest of the world can say hello to it. When they get here.” 


  1. I just can't buy this argument at all, Benjamin, given that Trump represents a last gasp of a very reactionary (not revolutionary) world view. Trump cares deeply about Trump. Trump also cares deeply about maintaining, no exacerbating, the excesses and failings of late stage crony capitalism. And look at the Swamp Gators he has surrounded himself with. More reactionary big business tools and sociopaths.

    The only thing revolutionary with trump is the utter abandonment of "truth" and politesse in politics. That is a pretty petty thing to be seen as revolutionary.

    Finally, I, as well as yourself I would venture, would argue that more revolutions are "bad" than good.

    (I do agree with your parsing of Obama, however).

    1. Brian, that's not really the point I'm trying to make here. I'm not saying Trump is so revolutionary, he'll force the rest of the world to take away his power. Instead, I'm saying that if the rest of the world followed the logic of American exceptionalism, but applied it to themselves (since the US has clearly lost the moral high ground), and if other countries followed Dick Cheney's one percent doctrine, there would already have been WWIII and Trump would be gone. I'm saying that if Trump presents merely the appearance of a one percent chance of being a rogue leader that threatens other countries' national security, those countries have the same right to invade the US as the US thought it had to invade Iraq.

      Remember that Saddam wasn't really a threat but Bush invaded anyway. He had no WMD, but only a one percent chance of having them to give to terrorists who would threaten the US. Arguably, Trump is much more dangerous to other countries than Iraq was to the US. Thus, other countries could take preventive action against psycho Trump, for the same reason there's talk of invading North Korea. Trump isn't there yet, but it's only been a month. Wait till the scandals pile up; Americans might start to beg Europe or China to invade.